1 toddler, 5 1/2 hands, unruly mane, barefoot preferred, currently tail-less, but nonetheless fancy, aged 18 mos, smallest of two youngsters currently available to eligible family or capable individual making the best offer. New family must be able to tolerate inconsistent and annoying behaviors; random and constant noise, crying, screeching, hair pulling, pinching, cleaning boogery face on fresh linens, pants and in your lap, tossing food onto floor, sprinkling milk from sippy cup on shiny, clean surfaces, grandma’s shoes and grandpa’s chair, stepping on the dogs legs until they react, and crying when they do, falling down hills when pulling away from grandma’s hand, getting bloody knees, palms, and screaming again; wanting whatever someone else has, and right now, eating dog food, fuzz and unfamiliar leaves in yard, screeching all the way to town in the car seat despite singing every children’s song remembered with made up strange, sometimes mean words, then she falls finally asleep as we pull into parking lot. Her grandma cries. She takes her off shoes every single car ride, tossing them as far as they go to the right, left, a sock a shoe hidden for days someplace under the seats, and then when you go to the store for a back up set of shoes that velcro up around the ankle, tie, buckle and padlock, she knocks the display over trying to play peek-a-boo with sibling, cries goobers that flow to her chin and consoles herself by wiping face dry on a valor sweater on display.
She’s currently blonde on top, but sports an inadequate supply of hair to keep her head warm, refuses hats, flinging them off to the side of the road to be lost forever. Her feet haven’t grown much in months and she’s rather small overall, a compact unit not requiring much food or drink, and fickle about culinary choices, deciding she hates noodles after batch of homemade pasta taking hours to create was set before her with fresh whirled pesto she loved just yesterday. She feeds it to the dog even though warned repeatedly not to or he’ll DIE, I scream. So she says DIE as she feeds him. She loves her night-nights but is sensitive to the slightest sound, so the family must be prepared to leave the house, turn off phones and let her have the place for an hour and a half or the remainder of the day will be filled with growling, screeching crying and flings to the ground, flat on her back regardless of location. And then she really won’t eat a thing just to spite you. Except for the dead fly in the corner. That she gobbled up.
Last week on one occasion (and it was thankfully on the lawn but unfortunately I’d not yet cleaned up the dog’s droppings) she flinged or is it flung? herself down flat in protest. That’s another thing, family must be able to do many loads of laundry weekly as everyone’s clothing will need more frequent laundering for maybe another five or six years until she can do her own. Just describing her, I have brought down my expectations of recovering my initial investment. Will consider trade for vacation rental, spa membership and am considering throwing in our old farty dog, whom she adores. Please call after 6 am but before the morning nap at 9 am, after 11 but before afternoon nap at 2 then after 4:30 but not after 6:30 pm. Or just email back your application with a deposit securing your place in the cue. gma
3 thoughts on “Toddler for Sale-Best Offer”
I notice some similarities to a San Francisco girl I know. Except you didn’t include looking at you and smiling as she climbs up on the stool which she knows she isn’t supposed to do. 🙂
Ha, we could go on and on couldn’t we? Then I suppose we could also list all of the sweet endearing, darling things, the moments we live for, but who could afford those priceless qualities? gma-ma
Of course you were kidding! (I get it!) I actually think this was very funny and very ‘tongue-in-cheek’. Hope it helped a bit to ‘vent’ this way! Love you and miss seeing you! Do remember that there are many folks who can’t be close (to offer hugs, child care, dinners, etc.) that care about you all!