Today you are at school, a third grader now. Your sister in first grade. This is the first time for you to be in a single grade class, no older or younger grades sitting with you. I don’t know your teacher, where your classroom is located, And for the first time, I didn’t take a picture of you in front of the school sign. It is my experiment, my way of seeing what it feels like to let go, to give your life details to step-mom and daddy. To let them handle a lot more than they ever have just in case they leave the mountain, leave our place, just leave. I feel something changing. Neither of them are working. Step-mom is healing from her stroke and may be never be fully well. She let go of her job. Daddy, he drives her around, is home, just home with the baby and driving around. She seems angry, lashing out, I stay back. I report this with dis-ease, worry and confusion. What is happening at your home? How is it there for you? For your little brother at home all the time with impatient and unhappy people?
Grandpa and I made a big climbing structure in the pasture for you and your sister and friends. We can use it too to stay strong, to play too. I hope that you get to use it a few times a week, if not everyday. I will help daddy think about some rules for it, that way he may feel more confident letting you go play. That’t what I hope, anyway. I am not sure why it scares him.
I will take you today after school, this is our night together, all three of you now. All three is fun, exhausting fun. I love Wednesdays. Grandpa says this is how he knows you will not move away, this is what your mom and dad need, my Wednesdays. They get a break, they like Wednesdays too much to ever leave, besides, they like their rental agreement. I am sorry they don’t stay here because they adore me and grandpa, like you do. Oh well three out of five takes it.
Okay okay, so I will bring my camera today and get a photo of you two in front of the school sign. I will go see your classroom, meet your teacher. I will tell her I am available to talk. I was trying not to be a helicopter grandma, a drone grandma, to give you fully to your life, to adapt, make it work, talk when you need it. But at 8 yrs old, it’s not good enough and maybe I just hope too hard. I’d better act, not wish. I am searching for how to be these days, can you tell? Trying not to step on toes of step-mom or daddy, not wanting them to take off with you guys. But Grandpa is probably right, there are too many good things keeping them here. They feel like threads today, skinny little fragile threads. But threads are stronger than spider silk…true? Most of the time.
See you in awhile buddy. We will hand upside down and climb ropes and swing. Tonight we will read the next chapter of Mystery at Tamarack. Eat tacos and play in the waterfall and laugh at our very silly made up jokes during dinner. I can hardly wait. gma