I just got back from Los Angeles. I spent three days with my friend Marni and her family. They were all at her house and had daily snaggly haired morning snuggles. Her grown kids used to play with your daddy and Uncle AJ when they lived in Santa Cruz. Marni’s mom, her brothers and their kids all live nearby. I waded around for those few days through their family stories thick with emotion. I watched them hang on each others shoulders, eating and then discussing the food, talking and listening. They eagerly examine one anothers’ choices, share concern and get in little spats. I listened in on their rich, loving, and complicated lives. I felt a little lonely as I thought about our lives and yours.

You sure have a busy place. I imagine it a popcorn popper of activity. Little people and big ones. Your trailer-home in constant motion; noisy. What a change from your Bonny Doon cabin. Your mom and dad never had people over, no friends, little activity and lots of quiet under the trees. Its as different as it is here at my quiet house after my trip to LA. I am all alone. Grandpa at work and the dogs asleep. And I no longer wait for you to come bursting into the hallway.

Today there was a grandma on the news from another country called Brazil. She wanted her grandson to come back to her from far away in America. It was news because it was about a little boy being loved by two families far away from one another. They each want to live with him, feed him, watch him grow and play. The adore him and each want him to be their little boy. Kind of like you-right? They showed a picture of the grandma with the boy. It was me and you. I understand that grandma. And I understand that the little boy has had a really hard time of it and sad, hard losses already in his short life. And I believe he is going to be okay. I hope he gets to see his grandma.

I suspect you like it in Montana, but hoped you wouldn’t. I thought you’d have to come right back. But with 3 yr old Crystal to play with, toddler Nathaniel keeping you hopping and the old dog to snuggle with; you are entertained.   I love to think about you with me, but I know you like it there. Maybe soon it will be your new home. Today I have the feeling you’ll be okay. Marni assured me, as have other friends who know these kind of things, that you will forever be someone who had three good years in Bonny Doon. That you are resilient. And that even our own kids (your daddy and uncles) sometimes had hard stuff; lousy day care, times when we blew it and less than spectacular teachers. They are really okay guys. All of them. Yes, even your daddy.

Aren’t feelings complicated? Happy, sad, worried and hopeful get all stirred up together.

We need to see each other. I am a very lucky grandma. I get to see you in 16 more days. I found a motel that has an indoor play space. I will run with you, splash in a pool and we’ll slide down a slide. Maybe your mom and dad want to come play too. Sure. They can come. Your mommy told me today that you could stay all night. I’ll wait to call you and say I’m coming the night before I come. It would be unfair to have you confused by the waiting. I can hardly handle it. Two weeks seems far away.

I am a tiny bit afraid that you won’t want to stay and play with me. Worrying is not useful. Let’s always remind each other about that. Instead I will picture us having fun on the water slide. Come on,  sit on my lap.  Wheeee!

Kisses to baby sissy. I love you, bud. SPLASH. gma