A Decision

I called to say hi and you were asleep.  It was nearly noon your time and you already had slept 15 hours.  Mommy said you were just sleepy.  That is worrisome. Are you okay?  Mommy was tense and worried about Daddy.  She is worried about what to do.  She wants to find a house, a job and wishes she could grow new teeth.  She sounded tired of not deciding.

Deciding is a positive thing, I told Mommy this morning.  It can relieve tension that builds and colors your mood, thinking and reactions. During times when the dark , worrisome cloud of “not knowing” lurks overhead and underfoot, every moment; people get cranky. Daddy is particularly cranky, Mommy says, your trailer grandma is cranky and so mommy is, too.  How about you? Indecisiveness leaves us anxious, powerless and spreads like stinky air touching everything and everyone nearby. Simply making a decision can relieve us.

Your Mommy has been busy with two children under 3, you and Liza, her mom, her brother, his kids, his girlfriend, trailer life in a Billings winter and extraction after extraction of unhealthy teeth.  She has five left before dentures. She is busy, occupied, yet still remains hopeful.  Daddy is working now, but he says that he is unhappy every day.

Do you find some fun anyway? I think mommy is not realistic in her expectations.  I don’t see you guys getting a rental there that will be a successful.  Mommy and daddy can’t pay rent every month.  They never have kept that agreement.  This is hard grown up stuff, but you should know that mommy and daddy aren’t very grown up about these kind of things yet. That’s why you live with that Grandma after this Grandma.  They need help to keep you all safe and well. They need one of their mommies or the other; probably both.  I think Mommy would feel better if she and Daddy would make a decision. And an agreement and keep it.

In figuring out that decision, mommy and daddy would have to talk about their dreams, their ideas about how to reach them together and how to raise you guys in the way they envision.  Do they want to rent a place in Montana or try California again.  They haven’t agreed yet, so they can’t decide.  But the talking about their ideas and preferences, deadlines on the calendar or turning points in events, they will be better able to decide.  I think each of them already decided inside their heads.  (Behind their eyes, like you said). I cannot decide for them, but I think I helped mommy understand her part in setting up the conversation.  I think she expects more of your Daddy than he has to offer in terms of sharing his feelings and ideas.

Counselors are people that help with this kind of thing.  You tell them this, maybe they will go.  Actually, I think Mommy is more ready to begin the talk with Daddy.  I imagine in the next few days I will hear about it.   You trailer grandma has had it.  Actually, I don’t know how she tolerates all that goes on everyday.  I couldn’t do it.  I’d have to decide some hard things if I were her. But I am grateful that she is tolerant for a while longer, so daddy doesn’t get his family “booted out” before he’s ready to take charge.  That’s what I hope happens.  Make them stronger. It would be good for you and Liza.  Even if its hard for one of your Grandma’s-her or me.

You know what I am rooting for, right? Both of us win if you are safe, developing and find joy each day.  Not too much to ask, right?

As for me, I am supposed to be working to clean out the entire house and move out….and after talking to Mommy, I realized I was stuck -unable to begin.  So I called Rocky to help.  He and his brother will arrive on Sunday, take whatever I ask to the garage, out to the barn or to the trash.  I will have him come once a week every week until I am done.  Now that’s the plan.  I am so relieved I made a decision.  I feel in charge! (and charged with being ready for Rocky) We’ll see how it goes…I’ll get back to you later.  love gma

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