One time you had maggots in your diaper.  I’ll never forget that.  I wondered how many other times that had happened, how many other times you had such a bad rash that your red and burned skin peeled off as I opened your diaper then I cried as I dabbed at the bleeding tissue.  I wanted to take the hurt, the burn and carefully touched you softly into the baby tub in lukewarm water.  You found a smile as I softly sang a Vicki song.  You amazed me with the way you’d make it through. You learned to believe that my tender treatment could lessen the pain. You learned to trust me.

Trust me now when I say that Grandpa and I will do whatever we can to help you find a life here again in CA-one in which you will be loved deeply and find safety.  I am very sad tonight, worried and full of doubt.  When I awaken, I will probably see things differently.  But for today, I am feeling your pain again and sick with the knowing- the frustration that Mommy and Daddy bring along with them is really, really hard for us.  Looking for what might be; I’ll save for tomorrow.  Today I need to remember really well; walk through what’s hard and what sucks and open my eyes to who your parents really are.

Pardon me, little Buddy, while I turn away for some alone time.  Be back tomorrow.  Happy Easter, hope you and your cousins enjoy the package I sent.  gma